Margaritaville

Again, it’s been a while.  I’m not sure I’ll ever get back into blogging the way I used to.  I think part of it is that I feel like I have to post something of substantial length, well written, and well thought out.  I just don’t have it in me anymore to put all that energy into a blog post.  I have papers to write, I have presentations/papers on treatment to put together, I have to figure out how to understand all the reading I have every week because there’s a STATE BOARD (and maybe National board too?) in my future and it’s all freaking me out.

Hmmm, that was kind of therapeutic.  I guess that’s my major stressor right there.  I don’t test well.  Well, crap!

Anyhoo….  Yesterday Jake called me and asked if I’d meet him at Zquila (a Mexican place near my house that has AMAZING margs and cheap happy hour food) for a drink after work.  It’s kind of weird that I’m meeting my son for a drink.  I still think he should be 11.  He was a pretty neat 11 year old; he’s a pretty neat 21 year old too.  I had a great time; we talked for an hour and a half about job searches and school, his brother and sister, tattoo’s and piercings…  everything.  He bought me a shot of something called a Zombie Brain?  Yuck.

If he hadn’t changed his mind and separated from the Navy DEP, he’d be in boot camp right now.  Sobering thought.  I’m so glad he isn’t.

As always, February is made interesting by Michael’s birthday.  It’s tomorrow and he would have been 23.  It’s not sad anymore.  He exists in our lives – even Lindsay talks about him sometimes, she even put him in her French assignment about her family.  The boys did that too when they were growing up.  Michael is with us.

I called Matt last night.  He got an iPhone because it has a really cool app that will give him a local number so he can make and receive free calls and texts from the States.  It was good to hear his voice and even about the boredom associated with painting fans.  Yeah, I don’t know, I didn’t ask. 

Meal Plan and Dolphin Sighting

I always make a meal plan, sometimes it's in my head (and not very useful) and other times I write it down on scraps of paper that get lost.  I'm not very good at keeping track of it.  So When I wrote up my meal plan and used the same page in my notebook to write my shopping list, I figured I had to make myself a copy to put on the fridge.  And since I did that, I should post it here - seeing as how I took the effort to make one and everything.

But before I get into that, did you know you can make pumpkin spice coffee with a tablespoon of pumpkin pie spice?  Oh, YUM!  I read about it this weekend and made it this morning.  I don't like flavored coffee all the time but occasionally it's fun.  It's really simple, just put the grounds in the filter and add 1 tablespoon of pumpkin pie spice on top and then brew as normal.  You can mix it in but it doesn't really matter.  I made eight cups of coffee, for four cups, use 1-1/2 teaspoons of spices. 

Matt made it to his first ship and he called me yesterday to let me know he'd gotten there and was safe.  The ship is way bigger than he'd expected and he saw his first dolphin.  He was tired so that's all I managed to get out of him.  We'll be able to communicate regularly once he gets his email set up but who knows when that will be.  Right now I'm just working on getting back into some sort of normal (whatever that is) routine.  I think I'm going to start posting care package ideas, or what I put into the care packages I send.  I'm clueless right now because I had two boxes all ready to ship the things he left behind and then he told me not to send them just yet because he doesn't need what's in them right now.  Hmmmm.... 

Week of November 6 - 12, 2011

• Roast with Horsetooth Hot Sauce rub, onions and mushrooms in the crock pot.  Mashed sweet potatoes and beets.  I made sour cream horseradish sauce to go with this.
• Beef stir fry, egg rolls and egg drop soup.  I bought sweet and sour sauce but not hot mustard - I hope I have some because egg rolls require hot mustard.
• Chicken pasta carbonara and salad.
• Meatloaf with homemade macaroni and cheese and green beans.  I kind of want to do mashed sweet potatoes instead of mac and cheese.
• Bacon and bleu pizza with salad.
• Taco soup with cheesy tortillas. For Thursday night when Rob is playing darts.
• Hamburger helper and corn for the night I have class.  Rob and Lindsay like this sort of thing.

Some meals ideas for next week:

• Pumpkin waffles with bacon and eggs.  I just love breakfast for dinner.
• Butternut squash soup - I love this stuff but I've never made it.
• Grilled cheese and tomato soup.

It's time to start writing again....

Things have been crazy for so long and I haven't kept much of a record of it - except on Facebook and that's not great for journaling. I was surprised to see that I'd actually written something here in 2011, but not nearly enough.

Matt graduated from high school in May and we held a graduation/going away party at the beginning of June.  My wonderful friend hosted it at her home and it was amazing.  The following week, Matt spent time with his friends and had family time, culminating in a trip for 10 to the Denver Zoo on Sunday and a barbeque at our house that evening.  The Monday he was to leave - wow, it still brings a lump to my throat - we all woke up early and got ready to go to breakfast at 9:00.  We met his friends and my parents at IHOP, enjoying our last moments with him before he left.  At 10:30 we left and picked up a few last minute items at Walgreens, got some paperwork from the bank and went home.  When we got there, Matt went in his room and cried; the rest of did too.  I spoke to him in his room a few times and then Rob said he should get ready to go since his brother was supposed to have him to the recruiter's office at noon.  We all went outside and hugged him, crying.  When his brother drove him away, my daughter and I stood outside in the driveway wrapped around my husband and loudly sobbed for several minutes.

Fast forward through all of the pain and anguish of learning to live without him in our lives every day - two whole months (eye roll).  He didn't die but I had never really understood what it was to be cut off from one of my children, if only for a short time.  In August we went to Chicago to watch PIR (Pass In Review - Navy Boot Camp Graduation) and it was amazing to see him - and he LOOKED amazing too.  I said to Rob at breakfast that Saturday morning that he looked like he belonged in the uniform, like he'd waited his whole life to be big enough, mature enough, to wear it with pride.  My heart melted and I've never been more proud of him.

I started the Professional Counseling program at Colorado Christian University and I'm totally overwhelmed.  And…  I find myself smack dab in the middle of an "I don't give a sh*t" moment with a paper due in just under a week.  Not a good place.  I hope it's just a bad week or two.  If it isn't, I'm going to have to consider taking a year off school.  I just can't be in school under this amount of pressure for an extended length of time.  I could have a stroke.  Just kidding….  Maybe not.

Ramblings of a Crazy Person

I just realized that my mothers birthday is tomorrow. She'll be… well, that's not important. She bought herself a Nook two weeks ago so I think I'll get her a gift certificate to Barnes and Noble.
My life has become a pressure cooker. Between planning Matt's graduation/going away party and trying to figure out how to get to Chicago in August, being on the board of the rescue, fostering dogs, stressing over how to pay for prom tickets and Lindsay's growing distaste for soccer, I thought I was overwhelmed… And then Jake started talking about joining the Reserves. We talked about it a couple of times and he was going back and forth between the Army and Navy. Tuesday night he called me up and said he'd made a decision. He has decided to go into the Navy, but there's a catch… he's going active rather than reserves. That means that both of my boys will be gone for four years, at the same time. We likely won't have them back here together for all of that time. I'm not doing well, but I have to be supportive.
A friend of mine sent me a text last night asking if I was doing okay. She's not very attentive… that's the nice way of saying that the friendship is hit and miss. She'd seen all my posts on facebook about the boys breaking my heart and decided that she'd ask me how I was doing… in a text. I'm just not from that generation. I don't think that a text is good conversation and I decided I didn't want to deal with her so I just said I was fine and left it at that. At least she doesn't have to feel bad about not being a good friend. I let her off the hook.
Graduate school starts August 22. Oh, I didn't mention… I got into the program! Very cool. Anyway, I'm hoping that I'm not so stressed by the time I start school again. We'll be going to Chicago, Great Lakes actually, for PIR from the Navy RTC at the end of the second week of August for Matt. We'll go back sometime in September or October for Jake. We decided that it will be cheaper to rent a car and drive than to fly. It will take 15 hours, plus stops, so I think we'll plan to start at night when Lindsay can crash for a lot of it. Maybe I'll have to put a bunch of movies on my computer for her to watch.
I suppose that I should post a menu or two. I love being able to keep track of them here but I haven't been posting. I'll have to go back and find all the little pieces of paper I scribbled dinners down on.
Anyway, tonight is the night Matt, Lindsay and I have dinner together. Rob is out playing darts so the kids and I can have whatever we want for dinner without Rob refusing to eat. He's picky and he makes me crazy sometimes. Lindsay is picky too, but I just make her try it and ignore the complaints. Tonight we're having Stouffers Macaroni and Cheese. I found the box in the freezer this morning and thought all day about how good it would taste. Alongside that rich, gooey mac n cheese, I'm serving broccoli. And that will be dinner. Yum.
So menu's will have to wait. I'll hunt them down and post them when I can.

SNOW DAY... Or should I say, It's-too-freaking-cold-to-keep-the-buses-running-Day!

It's cold here in Northern Colorado.  So cold that the school district didn't know if they could get the buses started in the morning, therefore stranding kids in below zero weather while waiting for the bus.  They also don't want kids walking to school when the windchill is -24, our predicted morning weather.  I really hate cold weather.

On the bright side, I survived January, finished my last class at Grand Canyon University, finished my application to Colorado Christian University, and have a general feeling of contentment with the choices I have made for my life in the recent past. 

I have been really busy these past several weeks with so many different.  I've written a press release, guidelines for foster homes, reviewed a 501(c)(3) narrative, attended a board meeting, updated my resume, wrote my admissions essay and have the books at work nearly done.  I should be able to send them to the accountant tomorrow - if I don't decide to take the day off work and stay home with the kids watching movies and drinking hot chocolate while staying warm under a blanket on the couch.

My husbands grandfather had surgery six days ago to remove his gallbladder.  The day after the surgery he experienced severe chest pain and was transferred to the cardiac ward where he has been ever since.  He is slightly disconnected with reality and confused due to the pain medications and the doctors haven't been able to give the family a prognosis.  To complicate matters more, he broke his shoulder at the family Christmas party and didn't tell anyone because he was embarrassed...  an 87 year old man, playing basket ball with his 11 year old great-granddaughter fell and broke his shoulder.  I'm not sure what he was embarrassed about.  He told his wife two weeks later when he couldn't stand the pain any longer.  They had finally scheduled surgery on his shoulder when he had to have emergency surgery on his gallbladder.  The situation doesn't look good.  Losing grandparents isn't easy, yet it is a fact of life.  I've lost both of mine - one six years ago, the other this last December.  I haven't even begun to process my own loss; now I have to be there for my husband and children.

So life goes along at its own pace, throwing in the curves along with the easy rides.  Maybe I will call in tomorrow and take a break.

Second Week of January Hell

As far as my personal life, last week went as smooth as silk.  Evenings were relaxed and dinner was a breeze.  I didn't know what to do with myself when I came home to slow cooker dinners.  I had so much more time on my hands that I had no need to try and stay awake until midnight - I was in bed by 9 every night and asleep before 10.  Amazing.

Work, on the other hand, was awful.  I hope I survive this month.  I'm convinced that I will be actively looking for a job at the beginning of February.  Sigh...

So my plan for this week is...

• Potato Soup with bacon, sharp cheddar and bread or toast.
• Taco Soup with cheesy tortillas.
• Broccoli Beef with rice and egg rolls.
• Stuffed pasta shells in marinara sauce with green beans.
• Chili with all the fixin's. (can make this in the slow cooker)
• Chicken (or Turkey) Divan with rice.  (another slow cooker dinner)
• Pot Roast with baby bakers, carrots and biscuits. (slow cooker definite)

I feel a little bad that we're having soup twice this week and Rob doesn't have darts until next week, but I'm really in the mood for soup and they're cheap, easy, filling meals, great for this cold weather.  I had to be a little sparing with my food budget this week and this weeks groceries only cost me $36.  Score!  I shopped my freezers and pantry.

For breakfast this week we have cereal, oatmeal, whole grain apple muffins and mini pancakes.  I wish I'd bought some microwave sausage, but the kids will survive.  We've been getting out the door earlier this last week, a habit I hope we'll continue, so they even have time to eat breakfast at school if they didn't grab anything on the way out the door.

I'm prepared to pack Lindsay a lunch again this week.  I did it every day for about two months at the beginning of the school year and then I just couldn't do it any more.  I even tracked it every week on facebook.  This week, at least a couple of days, she'll be having soup (chicken tortilla or leftover taco) with crackers and cheese or leftovers from either the turkey divan or broccoli beef along with some ramen noodles and a side of hot sauce.  Strange child, she is.  Everything's got to have hot sauce to go along.

January and Other Horrors

Something about today - the last day of our holiday break - gave me the strength to face the coming month.  January is chaos at work, Thursday I start the last three weeks of my last class at Grand Canyon University, and I'm starting to feel as though I have some say in the direction of my marriage.

I have been struggling lately in my relationship...  I guess the right way to phrase that is that we have been struggling.  We're not communicating well, but we've never been great at it. I'm going to listen better, process what he says and then respond rather than react.  I think I just made a New Year's resolution.  I'm not comfortable with calling it that - I think I'll just make a vow to myself to try harder to be present in my relationship.

My relationship with the University I attend is a whole different animal.  That relationship is over.  Besides the administrative difficulties and instruction failures they have, the program I'm in is one of the worst to try to take online.  If you only have to show your degree/transcripts to work in a field, I'm sure online is great.  When you have to pass state boards and really know the subject inside and out...  well, lets just say that I've spent almost $6,000 on classes and don't know much more than the day I started.  I need to be in a classroom, talking with people, practicing what I'm learning, and really absorbing it.  UoP is launching a program at the Westminster campus sometime in March and I'm going to transfer.  It will be tough to drive down to Denver once a week, leaving at 4:30 and getting home around 11pm, but it will be worth it.

Like every January for the last 12 years, I'm about to head into hell at work.  Closing up the books for the previous tax year always takes every last bit of energy I have.  Hopefully I can ease into it; my boss is leaving for a conference on Wednesday afternoon and will be gone the rest of the week.  I keep telling myself that this is the last January I'll have to do at this job.  I'm crossing my fingers that I can get my act together and find another job before the end of the year.  After all, I'm in a field I've been tired of for at least 10 years.

Cooking Makes Me Happy

And so does meal planning.  If I plan what I'm going to make during the week, I have the ingredients I need and there are no last minute shopping trips, which cost more money than they should.  I truly hate going to the grocery store when I get off work.

I rarely decide what day I'm going to make something; it's too restrictive for me, especially when I forget to thaw something - I feel like I'm falling behind.  The definite exception is soup.  Rob doesn't like soup so during dart season, I plan soup dinners for Lindsay, Matt and myself on Thursdays when he plays. 

So this is my list for the week of January 2 - 8, 2011.

• Green Chili Chicken Enchiladas
• Macaroni and Cheese Casserole (Kraft, tuna, mushroom soup and peas - simple and comforting)
• Rotisserie Chicken Tacos
• Puff Pastry Pizza with pepperoni, green peppers, mushrooms
• Crock Pot Lasagna with salad and french bread
• Crock Pot Beef Stroganoff with green beans and garlic bread
• Breakfast for Dinner - Waffles, eggs and bacon.  The waffle maker I got for Christmas is amazing.

It took me about an hour of reading recipes and looking at past meal plans while drinking coffee, watching television and playing with our foster dog to come up with this plan and write the shopping list.  Now, if I can only fit all of these ingredients in our refrigerator and freezers. 

We have a lot of random leftovers from the holidays.  There are three half-gallons of eggnog, orange juice, ice in the deep freeze (great for using to shake up a Cosmo), artichoke dip, rolls, and random half-packages of Schwans frozen food.  I also have frozen turkey in the deep freeze but I don't want to use it all up right away.  We had turkey pot pie with with garlic parmesan cream sauce.  I'd post the recipe but I really do suck at writing them.

2010 in Review

2010 was interesting.  I received my undergrad degree, started graduate school, decided I hated my job enough to actually consider moving on, decided I had made a horrible choice in colleges, my son enlisted in the Navy, my grandfather died, and so many marital problems...  the last few moments of 2010 summed up the whole year.  Miserable.

 

Other items of note:

• I had 8 posts here in 2010.  What kind of awful is that?!  When I first started this blog I loved writing here; I loved being able to put my thoughts somewhere.  Now I tell myself I'm too busy or that I don't have the energy.  I think the real reason is that I don't want to see how awful I felt about my life. 
• I started fostering dogs in 2010 and the one we have right now had puppies on December 13.  Seven were born, three have survived to date.
• I realized that, after years of not buying myself new clothes, I have one pair of jeans, one pair of casual work slacks and one pair of nice work slacks.  I have several nice summer blouses but almost nothing for winter. 
• I have two four-year old pajama pants, both of which have holes in them.  I asked for new ones for Christmas but Rob was being an ass and decided I should have a bathrobe instead.  Not the same thing and not nearly as useful. 
• I received two broken Christmas presents.  That pretty much sums up my year.
• I spent a Christmas gift card on groceries - just because.
• I discovered that lime vodka makes amazing Cosmopolitans.
• Three or four of these Cosmo's (drunk one right after the other) will make me go right to sleep.  I think that makes them cheaper than most over the counter sleep aids.
• Letting your family know that you aren't happy doesn't generally yield any results.  There needs to be yelling or something equally jarring in order to remove their heads from their various electronic devices.

This list could go on and on but it's just whining. 

Random Crap - Again

I joined a group called Navy Mom Connection and talked with someone from there tonight.  It feels so weird - and it's heartbreaking - to be thinking about when Matt leaves and begins a life that doesn't include us.  Not that I thought he would be mine his whole life.  One day he'll just leave and he won't be home for months, as in many.  And this won't be his home anymore.  His home will be wherever the Navy sends him.

The transition will be so quick in fact, that his sister will move into his room when he leaves for RTC because he won't be back.  We will see him (hopefully) eight weeks later for (again, hopefully) a few days after graduation and then he'll leave for A School in Florida.

How do military moms - parents - handle this transition?  I think about this all the time now.  I know that parents have been doing this for decades, I just wonder how I will handle it.

All the crap that life has shoveled my way...

I haven't stuck with a meal plan in a long time.  I wrote up seven days worth of meals, put together a shopping list, checked the cupboards, and headed out to the grocery store.  Seven meals, plus breakfast and a few lunch items, added up to about $170.  Damn!

• Spicy Shredded Beef with potato salad
• Enchilada Casserole and salad
• Easy Crock Pot Chicken with long grain and wild rice
• Macaroni and Cheese Casserole (comfort food at its best)
• Hot Brown with tomato and asparagus (first time I've ever made this)
• Chicken Piccata with salad and marinated mushroom/Havarti/artichoke appetizers
• Steak and Gravy, Crock Pot style with mashed potatoes

I'm taking Matt to the recruiter's for his first briefing.  I don't know if I'm allowed to stay, but I thought I'd go so that I could get some information.  Worst case scenario, I head over to Barnes and Noble and do some homework or read to escape reality.  Better than drinking escape reality, right?  Okay, I tried that too - but it didn't work.

I went on the NavyforMoms.com site and some woman actually said to another worried mom whose son was in his second or third week of boot to 'calm down and get over yourself.'  That's what they call support?  I'm not sure I'm cut out for this.

I'm feeling a bit stupid right now.  I can't figure out how to allow URL links in comments.  Does anyone know how to make this change in Blogger?  I've looked at the comments options but I can't figure it out.  Is it even possible in Blogger?  I'm wondering if I shouldn't migrate this blog to the one I have over at Wordpress that's been dead for a year and a half.

Things are about to change...

My son enlisted in the Navy yesterday.  I never imagined this for one of my kids.

Pepsi Refresh Project - A Soft Place To Land, Inc.

Update - 1/1/11
It looks as though we've finally landed in not only the top 10, but FIRST PLACE!  We'll receive notification from Pepsi on Monday the 3rd.  I'm so excited to be a part of this group and make this a rescue a success.

I'm on the board of a very small, very new dog rescue.  This group of women save dogs from being euthanized when they are considered useless by puppy mills.  They, we, provide them with safe and comfortable homes where they are socialized and shown that people are kind, spay or neuter them, and then place them for adoption.

A Soft Place To Land, Inc. is competing in the Pepsi Refresh Project for a $25,000 grant to pay for the 501(c3) (non-profit status), PACFA (Pet Animal Care Facilities Act) application, veterinarian costs, and so much more.  This is a very worthy cause and I ask you to check them out and vote every day.  Voting ends October 31 and we need to be in the top 10 in order to receive the grant.

I've included a link to the right to vote for us.  You may also vote by texting* 102827 to Pepsi (73774).

*Standard text messaging rates apply.

Random Crap

Yeah, okay...  I may have to revert to posting weekly menus in order to post something here.  It's probably only interesting to me but that's okay. 

- Easy Chicken Enchiladas, rice, beans
- Meatloaf, baby baker potatoes, green beans
- Canadian bacon with apples and onions, sweet potato mash
- Taco's
- Mac N Cheese with Chicken
- Spaghetti and meatballs
- Some sort of soup

I've finished up my Counseling Theories class - or will on Wednesday.  This one was a killer and I'm hoping that things get easier rather than harder.  I've asked a friend to let me know if she hears anything about Time or Stress Management workshops in the area; I really need help in that aspect. My next class is Dual Disorders, focusing on - I believe - psychological disorders and alcohol or drug abuse.  So much fun.

Homecoming week is upon us.  All week long Matt's high school will be having activities for homecoming - the three biggest are a huge bonfire on Thursday night, the football game on Friday and dance on Saturday.  I think all the kids really love this week just because the district tries to make it fun.  Matt will have his senior pictures done on October 3.  I'm not doing them like I did for Jake.  Matt mowed a photographer's lawn this summer in exchange for his pictures.  I'm sure they'll be a lot better than mine.

And on my final note of randomness - completely outdoing myself for making the least sense ever and having no point whatsoever - I'm reading a great series these days... The Hallows Series (Rachel Morgan) by Kim Harrison.  This series of books can be described as paranormal murder-mystery romance - otherwise known as vampire smut.  Oh, dear Lord.  It's brain candy at its best, and I swore I'd never read anything like Twilight (still won't read that, by the way).

I'll wrap this up with a link to a blogger-friend of mine - I think the sentiment is appropriate these days.

New Friends

I used to think I had a hard time making friends but I don't really think that's the case. I'm picky. I like people who are moms, who have lives that are just as crazy as mine, and who don't really have time to spend on their friends. That's what makes it difficult. The last woman I met whom I liked, works a full time job, has two little girls, goes to school part time, and is married to a man that is a full time student. Wow. And I thought I was busy.

Rob met her husband a year ago. They became friends at school and wanted to get the two families together. I balked. I don't like meeting new people; it's awkward and a lot of the time, the other families we've met are too different or... out of our league? He tried to arrange a picnic last summer, a barbecue, a day at the lake - he was relentless. I said no. I was under a lot of pressure with my senior capstone, finishing up my degree, surviving a job that I can't stand, my oldest son was graduating and starting his own life. I made all the excuses I could think of.

At the beginning of this summer, my husband started talking about getting together with this other family again. This time he said he wasn't taking no for an answer. I finally (and literally) threw up my hands and said, "Fine, lets plan to meet them at the lake and barbecue." I picked the date and he made all the plans. My job was to show up. And I did. And I really enjoyed myself. It took a little while for the ice to break, and when it did, this amazing woman and I sat talking about everything and nothing for hours. Our kids played and fished, husbands talked and talked (and fished a little), and this woman and I talked - endlessly. I was sad when the day came to an end. I was also exhausted and burned and dragging a complaining 11 year-old home.

I had enjoyed myself so much that day, I told my husband that we had to do it again - soon! We went to the New West Fest, spending the day walking around, feeding our kids 'fair food' and listening to the free concerts. This year the Fest had margaritas at their Brewfest section, so when we were done walking around and doing everything, we sent out kids with our husbands to ride all the crazy, expensive rides, and the moms? Well, we bought margaritas, picked out a spot on the grass and talked for as much time as we could get. I really liked her. We decided to exchange phone numbers and befriended each other on Facebook.

I've talked to her on the phone twice now; always after her kids are in bed and mine are on their way. I can relate to her because she's raising a family, working and surviving school - not just surviving but excelling. It's nice to venture out of your comfort zone sometimes. You don't always meet people you can enjoy at soccer practices or the bleachers at football games. Sometimes it's good to let your husband set you up with someone - you never know what the rewards will be.

It's been forever!

My life got completely out of hand. First, I walked in commencement exercises with Regis University in December and then I actually was awarded my degree in March. I am the proud owner of a mint condition Bachelor of Science, Magna Cum Laude, Applied Psychology. MAGNA CUM LAUDE people!

Knowing my degree wasn't going to pay me enough to start repaying the staggering amount that I now owe to the Federal Loan Program, I was already on the ball. I applied to, and was accepted at, Grand Canyon University for a Master of Science, Professional Counseling degree. I started June 3. So far I have one "A" and am working on my second one. At this point though, I just want to pass. Having two children living at home with active social lives and sports schedules, balancing that with a part time job and being in graduate school... oh, yeah, I'm a wife too - now when do I get to have any time for me? I'm working on it.

Jake moved out last October. He graduated from high school, enrolled in college, found roommates and decided to jump ship. Can't blame him though; it was time for him to spread his wings and have his own life. It's quiet around here without him. Well, the quiet is a relative term. With a 'tween and a 17 year old in the house, there is plenty of noise, but Jake had this huge, loud personality. I miss him.

Jake is about to turn 20 (in less than two weeks!), Matt will be 18 two days after that, and Lindsay will be 12 in October. Holy crap, I'm feeling old! I'm pretty sure I'm not mature enough to have a 20 year old son.

What Happend To The Weekend? Or, What Was I Thinking?

It is sooo hard to be motivated to be anything but a slug when the whole weekend was filled with chaos and craziness. Anyone else ever feel like that? I do, all the time.

Just as soon as things drop 10 levels of insane at work, and my home life explodes with self-inflicted busyness. I offered to do a tax return for a friend and it took around eight hours to finish because there was some bookkeeping involved. She was in town for a while and I hadn't seen her in almost three years. It was a really nice visit and the return wasn't so bad, but that was only the beginning.

The weekend started on Friday at noon when I got off work. I had decided to make a 'quick' stop at the grocery store and figure out what to make her for lunch/dinner since people have to eat and I love to cook. My imagination never kicked in and after 45 minutes I finally checked out with the makings of a dipping party - an awesome nacho cheese dip, potato chips and french onion dip, salsa, guacamole, and the bread for some dips I'd pick up at my favorite S*uper S*ppers location. Matt gets off early on Friday's so I headed from the grocery store to the high school. I was on a schedule - my friend May was due in town any minute and she'd be over at my house soon! I was about a hundred feet from the entrance to the parking lot at the high school when one of my front tires went flat. These kinds of things just have no respect for schedules. I don't know about you, but I just don't include tire changes in my job description; I carry roadside insurance for just such occasions. The only problem is that the guy that came to change my tire didn't get that I had a schedule either. And then the spare tire was almost flat as was the tire on the other side... So basically, screw the schedule.

We got home at around three in the afternoon and May wasn't waiting for me, she called around five and said she'd be there by six but nine o'clock rolled around before she parked in front of my house. I wasn't angry. May has just started a dog rescue and she was dropping dogs that had been destined for death off with various no-kill shelters.

Previously a draft 2/9/10 - worth publishing 1/1/11

The Life and Times

See how well that regular posting thing turned out. Yeah, that's why I didn't make any promises to myself.

I'm in two classes right now, one online (Adult Spirituality), the other in the classroom (The Family). The Family is primarily a sociology class so I'm not used to just looking at the statistics and saying, "Well that's interesting." I'm more interested in why something is happening not just that it happened. That being said, it's an easy class. I do the reading and writing the night before and then attend class the next evening. The instructor lectures for almost the whole time, rarely stopping for anyone to add anything constructive. No biggie.

Adult Spirituality, on the other hand, is one that makes me dig deep. Not that I thought it was going to be easy, but WOW! I'm dedicating two days a week to that class and I'd bet it would be easier if I'd spend four days doing the reading and posting. I just don't seem to have that much time right now.

Work is getting lighter now. I'm nearly done with prepping the books for the accountant. Today my boss said it was no big deal if we waited until next week to finish everything up. Talk about a big sigh of relief. Now I can deal with other pressing matters, like renewing our Cost Containment Certification which I haven't had to do for the past three years and is due in just a few days.

While my work load at my job may be lightening up, tax season for individuals is about to ramp up. For the last several years I've helped out friends here and there with their taxes. I've always done it as a favor or out of friendship in the past but this year the cost of the program and my dwindling time are requiring me to charge a small fee. I've already got two returns lined up, besides ours and Jake's.

My hubby lost his job due to lack of work last week. We were kind of expecting it, so it wasn't a shock. Thankfully he should get unemployment and that will fill the void until he can find something suitable. This whole situation kind of leaves me stunned in another way though. Every time some sort of financial crisis has threatened to befall us, I lose my mind. I stress out; I cry; I make others around me miserable and worsen the impact on my family. This time I'm pretty calm about it. I know that we'll be okay, we've been through worse. Maybe I'm just growing up. I guess you can still do that in your 30's, right?

I got some good news when I was leaving campus tonight. I've been looking at grad programs at several different universities for nearly a year now. Ideally I'd like to attend Regis in their Master of Arts in Counseling Psychology but they only offer the program in Denver and Broomfield and I'm just not willing to drive an hour once a week to sit in class for four hours in the evening. It would be torture. I know five people, maybe six, who would like to attend the same program but the drive is just a deal breaker. Tonight I was told by the night manager that the Fort Collins campus had been contacted by the program in Denver asking if they had some specific technology that the program requires. It's possible that they're already looking at bringing the program up here and I was given contact information and guidance on convincing them that it was a good idea.

So, YEA! Things are looking up. Busy season is ending at work, grad school may be possible with the school I'm interested in, and we won't be living in our car due to the job loss.

For You.... You know who you are!

It's been almost seven months to the day since I've posted. But you knew that already, right?

I won't cover everything that happened in the time since I disappeared, it's just too much. Some happy, some horrible - lets just say that life happens. I won't promise I'll post regularly either.

Well, here goes...

Merry Christmas! Ours was pretty good. I threw a party for the in-laws. There were 30 people and it was great. It was also a lot more work than I thought it would be however, if I do it again next year, I'll know what to expect and how to pull it off without as much stress.

My family celebrated at my mothers on Christmas Eve. My brothers and their wife/girlfriend (respectively) along with their children and my husband and kids all chipped in and bought my parents a new LCD television and my younger brother built a custom entertainment center. It was great. My parents hadn't bought a new television since the late '80's!

On Christmas Eve and Christmas Day my family was all together under the same roof. This is a big deal because Jake, the oldest, moved out of our home into an apartment in October. I miss him a lot but the quiet that replaced him is pretty nice too. You know I love you honey!

The kids left to go to the in-laws cabin up near Walden on Christmas Night, leaving my hubby and I alone for the weekend. We truly had no idea what to do with ourselves.

We have one last holiday gathering to attend. The annual New Year's Eve party held by our dear friends. I will certainly need it after the final three work days of the year have beaten me to a pulp.

Out of the Will

It's no secret that I don't like my mother-in-law's. I've said as much before. But MIL-1 is now officially out of the will. She's screwed up one too many times and I just can't ever forgive her.

Jakegraduated from high school last Saturday. We sent announcements/invitations to family and friends, just like normal people do. We weren't asking for gifts or money, we were just letting people know and sending them a picture. Nearly everyone came to the party, and those that didn't sent a card or called to congratulate him.

MIL-1? She didn't do a thing. She didn't call. She didn't send a card. She didn't show up. She didn't even send a text message, which is her standard these days. She's ignored my kids for years, only paying attention to them when it was convenient for her. My family is done being convenient.

I've been saying it for a long time, we need to be done with her. Jakes graduation invitation was the last invitation I will ever send.

Good riddance.

On a happier note...

It took me 20 years but I finally got approval from my FIL. What is it with me and the in-laws? I was standing there at the graduation talking to him about the graduation ceremony and party going on around us when he told me that Jake had gown up to be a fine young man and that we had done a great job with him. "And this is a great party, you did a good job."

That was it. Twenty years of approval wrapped up in that one little statement. But that's all it took for me.

20 Years

Today is the 20th anniversary of Michael's death.

20 years ago today, I kissed my baby boys sweet little head and told the doctor it was okay to turn off the ventilator.

Thinking about that still brings tears to my eyes. I wish I could still smell his sweet babyness, cuddle his tiny little self.

After his heart stopped and relatives held him to say their goodbyes, we swaddled him in a blanket, handed his little body over to a nurse, and watched her walk down the hall and out of sight.

I haven't let that scene play in my head in a long time. A piece of my heart broke off and shriveled up in that moment.

Time certainly does not heal all wounds. It eases their severity. But the deep ones? It doesn't ever just go away.

Fresh Heartbreak

The blogging world has experienced some young losses in the past weeks and it is heartbreaking. I don't know them, I never saw them on the street in passing, I didn't even read their mommy's blogs... It matters not; I ache for them.

And I think of him...

Please keep the Spohr and Myers families in your thoughts and prayers.

I Could Be A Jewelry Girl...

I found it, for only $10 at Kohls!


So it's fake, but the real thing cost $300, so the decision was easy to make. It's perfect, but I've seen some other pearl necklaces that now I have a craving for a few more pieces.

Which Ring?

My friend LJ asked me what the fifth ring of hell was. I've been using that phrase for a couple of years and I honestly don't know where I came up with it. So I looked it up.

The urban dictionary says it's the hell reserved for:

1. Bad spellers
2. People who drink decaf coffee...

Tee hee hee...

It's also from Dante's Inferno:

"Wrath and Sullenness (7-8) Like the fourth circle of hell, the fifth circle--presented in Inferno 7 and 8--contains two related groups of sinners. But whereas avarice and prodigality are two distinct sins based on the same principle (an immoderate attitude toward material wealth), wrath and sullenness are basically two forms of a single sin: anger that is expressed (wrath) and anger that is repressed (sullenness). This idea that anger takes various forms is common in ancient and medieval thought. Note how the two groups suffer different punishments appropriate to their type of anger--the wrathful ruthlessly attacking one another and the sullen stewing below the surface of the muddy swamp (Inf. 7.109-26)--even though they are all confined to Styx." http://danteworlds.laits.utexas.edu/circle5.html

I'm not sure I quoted the right ring of hell... Maybe I did. I'll figure it out - now that I know where to find the descriptions of hell.

And how weird is that, since I don't really believe in hell...

Suckage

Can you say fifth ring of hell? Yeah, that's what the last two days have been like at work. When something fails that I'm in charge of, it's all my fault - and I can't even blame him for thinking that!

Let's just say that I was actually in fear for my job.

It was that bad.

And I feel a little better now but I've decided some time off work is in order. I'm arranging myself a long five-day weekend where no one will wake me up saying, "Mom! I'm going to be late, can you give me a ride?" Yeah, that's not in my plans. Sleeping in until 9 is in my plans, watching too many movies on the couch is in my plans, maybe even taking my youngest son and daughter to the tennis courts is in my plans.

But you know all about best laid plans, right?

Recession Indicators

Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas, and oil the "Light at the end of the Tunnel" has been turned off.

We apologize for the inconvenience.

Speechless

This morning I told the hubby that I'd seen a necklace that I'd really like to have. I don't have much jewelry and I don't wear what I have too often. I'm just not a jewelry girl. But this necklace is really simple, classic and timeless. I told him that I didn't know what it would cost but that I was pretty sure it'd be pricey so I'd have to look for one that was 'fake'.

"No, you won't. If you like it that much you'll have to get the real thing."

...

Wow

Dinner Procrastination

I try to get dinner on the table between five and six every night but I swear, when I don't have a class to run off to, I just don't get it done in a reasonable amount of time. I make meal plans that include enough 'quick' recipes (whatever can be made, start to finish, in 20 minutes) and the rest are meals that take longer because we like it or it's yummy. Tonight is meatloaf and mac n cheese with cauliflower. It should have been nearly done by six but instead, it's 7:30 and we won't eat for another 15 minutes.

I guess the reason is that I'm rushed every other day, I want to relax and take my time. The reasoning is flawed. If I'd just made dinner the minute I walked in the door, even if it was time consuming, I'd still have all the time after dinner to veg-out. But there's no convincing a procrastinator.

The good news is that I'm done with my current training classes this weekend. The bad news? I have two classes starting next month. Two consecutive nights a week I'll be at school and have little time to get dinner going or even see my kids. Once I'm finished with the training I'm doing, I'll be volunteering six to ten, twelve-hour shifts a month. Hopefully that won't start until I'm done with my college classes for this semester.

I'd post this weeks meal plan, but I lost it. Guess it isn't doing me much good right now. Thankfully, I know what we're having tomorrow night. Jambalaya!

The Jar Is Bigger

Yesterday was Michael's 20th birthday. I started to wonder if I'd be calling him Mike by now, if he would have gone to college like we would have insisted, met someone special, what mistakes he would have made, how many hearts he would have broken or if his would have been broken. What if... That's how I torture myself.

But this year was easier. The jar is definitely bigger now.

Let me explain.

I had a class last night, a training with MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) and how they help their victims. The advocate said that someone had once explained their grief to her using the following analogy. Grief is like a ball. For arguments sake, lets say it's a tennis ball and the life of the person experiencing that grief is the size of a small relish jar - grief fills the jar, the life, and there's no room to move, nowhere to escape the presence of the grief. As time wears on, as some level of healing begins to occur, the jar gets bigger. The grief never gets smaller because it represents the person who is gone and that's exactly how much space they took up. So now my jar, my life, is a five gallon water jug. I have space to live; I'm not constantly bumping up against my grief.

I thought that was a really great analogy. Years ago I thought my grief was going to be a raw, infected, wound that I would always have. Not so much.

My life is different than it might have been. I accept that and move on. It doesn't mean I love him any less.

Could, would, should, might, if....

Groundhog Day - Six More Weeks of Winter?

Everyone in our house is taking turns getting sick. There's really no way around it either so I've just accepted that my turn will be here before I know it.

In my house, as I am sure it is in many others, I don't generally find myself in bed with tea and tissues when I'm sick. There are things that must be done and I'm the one who needs to do them. I don't however, go to work when I'm sick. My boss will just send me home. There's nothing worse than dragging yourself out of bed when you're sick, making yourself look presentable (or not on the verge of death), driving across town and getting to work on time only to be told that you're too sick to be there - go home, get in bed and get well... Now why didn't I think of that?

I'm not sick yet but I'm so worn down that it's only a matter of time. Meanwhile, I have daily headaches to keep me company. The migraine is looming, it's right around the corner too. Lovely.

I managed to make a list of meals for the coming week, and even 'shopped my pantry and freezer' before making the list. There's lots in there to make meals out of.

Meal Plan - February 1 - 7, 2009 (I still can't get over that it's 2009!)

• Skillet Shepherds Pie
• Drunken Chicken - calls for rum but I neither have nor like rum so I guess we're just having Chicken. A thinks that's pretty funny.
• Wild Chicken Skillet
• Hamburger Stroganoff In A Hurry
• Meatloaf and Stouffer's Mac N Cheese
• Jambalaya
• Frozen Pizza

The first four are from Desperation Dinners. Did I say? I love that cookbook.

Today is Groundhog Day and that little rodent has predicted that there are six more weeks of Winter left. Not that I actually believe it but seriously, wouldn't it be nice to think Spring was right around the corner? Right after we saw Phil make his proclamation this morning, Lindsay and I put in the movie Groundhog Day with Bill Murray. I guess I have movies appropriate to nearly every holiday.

So the countdown begins, six weeks of Winter won't kill me since we haven't had anything nearly as catastrophic as the Midwest and their ice storms. We haven't even had snow for a week or two.

Our Meals

The month doesn't surprise. It's busy here as always, but at least it's not in a bad way. I began a series of classes last Monday, training for a volunteer position with the County that I've been interested in since October. For the next five weeks I'll be in classes for two hours Monday and Wednesday night and roughly seven hours on Saturday. Classes are draining, not only because of the hours but the topics as well. I'll save that for another time. I don't start school until the beginning of March so I won't be on overload for some time.

Last week I tried several new recipes.

Meal Plan - January 18 - 24

• Empanadas with Cheese Sauce
• Chicken Tostadas with Avocado Salsa
• Garlicky Potatoes and Sausage
• From Scratch Mac N Cheese with Cauliflower and Chicken Sausages
• Chicken Burrito Bake

We had two convenience food nights so I didn't make two of the dinners I'd planned; they have been moved to this coming week.

Meal Plan - January 25 - 31

• Potato Soup - I made this today, yum!
• Spaghetti Carbonara
• Chicken Fried Steak - still have not pulled these out of the deep-freeze!
• Buffalo Chicken Fingers
• Chicken In The Chips
• Chicken Tostadas with Avocado Salsa and Homemade Refried Black Beans - Encore!

The two cookbooks and website that are feeding us right now are Dinner Doctor, Desperation Dinners (my new addition) and Everyday with Rachael Ray. Without them we'd be eating Mac N Cheese out of a box and Hamburger Helper. Don't get me wrong, I like a box of the orange stuff every now and then and Hamburger Helper is quick but we've reached that point in our lives where we'd rather eat real food on a daily basis. I don't make everything from scratch mind you. My refried black beans are out of a can because that sort of planning doesn't really happen in my house. Half the main dish recipes in Desperation Dinners begin with frozen chicken or ground beef! That's my kind of cookbook.

I've also discovered my awesome stick blender again. Some time back my Magic Bullet died. It didn't actually die though - it broke. The little gear on top of the base - THAT'S MADE OUT OF SOME SORT OF ACRYLIC - broke. It was a very sad day here as we don't own a blender or food processor. Let's just say that I was angry as my previous Magic Bullet died/broke in the very same fashion and Homeland Housewares doesn't sell replacement parts. Any-who... the stick blender I got for Christmas last year has become very handy while I try to decide on the best product to replace my beloved bullet. You can stick that thing in soups, mash beans and potatoes, make smoothies and shakes - nearly any task that a blender can accomplish, a stick blender can do... except crush ice, don't try that. So while I obsess over which kitchen appliance I'll be dropping $100 on next, my $15 stick blender is chugging along making my kitchen existence tolerable.